you dont miss the circus, you miss the clowns

 

You can see it either way for it may be one of the worst or best things about life that as the days pass by, nothing changes in front of your eyes but once you take some time to look back, everything has changed as if it was never the same.

You look back at the child you left behind, you want to be like that again, happy, just happy, nothing else, you look back and find yourself in your childhood home, on your cozy bed, under your warm blanket, giggling quietly, pretending to be asleep on a winter morning to skip school, you’re happy, this is life, or at least it used to be.

Now, in a blink, you’re not 16 anymore, you haven’t been 16 a long time, you’re not sitting in your maths class with an incomplete note book, you’re not waiting for the P.E period to play with your friends, the one who once sat in the back of class could never come out in the front, the one who once had great potential has turned into a great disappointment, dreams that were meant to be lived are now broken, eyes don’t harbor hope anymore, its been ages since you’ve actually talked to yourself, how can you move on from the past, the people you’ve loved are still there, right?

But that’s the good part, isn’t it?

Now you’re maybe 19, 22, 28 or so on but there will always be a part of you that’s 16, you were never meant to sit in your maths class your whole life or wait for the P.E period, you don’t miss your school or more over your childhood, you don’t miss the circus, you miss the clowns, and its high time you start finding new ones.

To be honest I never thought that people actually read my blogs until few days back one of my classmates told me about it, and since then I’m trying my level best to make sure this one is worth reading for you people.

I love it when I’m writing, because as a writer, I, right here, in this very moment, can create a perfect ending for my character, a perfect pair for him, everything that he ever wanted, he’s going to get in a few pages, and that is how god must feel looking at you, patiently looking down and waiting for the right moment so you meet the right person on right time, but for that you must hang in there and have hope, because trust me, no writer likes a bad endling.

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Is moving on really necessary?

 

Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, there are dark phases which take over your life in an instance leaving you in an abyss making you feel hopeless, making you feel like everything has ended already and all you can do is watch while all of it slips out of your hand.

it destroys you from within because maybe for you its different, maybe it matters so much to you that you can’t even explain it to others while for them its less than worthless and its completely fine, not everyone was raised like you were, not everyone gets you and that’s fine, as long as you feel good in your heart, as long as you don’t walk with a regret in your mind, as long as it doesn’t take a toll on your conscious, its fine.

Because those moments make us who we are, those dark phases of your life show you that you were the light all along, don’t blink when the abyss stares back at you.

it doesn’t matter if everything has ended in your mind, because you can rebuild it if there’s hope in your heart.

Now moving on to my current favorite topic, the concept of “moving on”, first of all a hoax concept made by the corporates so that you can’t produce good art, don’t move on because you have to or because others are telling you to but because you know that there’s nothing in this moment to feel now.

For instance, I never move on from something unless I’ve written every poem, blog or rap about it that I could, or if I think I can make it funny or unless I’ve told every person I’ve known in my whole life( fuck silent battles, again, a corporate agenda so that HR doesn’t have to work) and also because you can’t really move on unless 50-60 people are telling you to, then it becomes fun.

My favorite part about trauma is telling about it to so many people that it escalates to an actual problem which I have to deal with but now at least 20 people are involved now so I don’t have to deal with it alone hehe.

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why are you this way(not asking profoundly)

Hi again, its been a while and as you can see I did not stand true to my promise but what can we do about it, right?, i was in a really dark state of my life, Maharashtra of course, just kidding, things went so bad i almost thought about quitting comedy, not because i was not great like before but because i was getting used to it. 

And also i made some 'friends' supposedly so for a while i had someone to talk to, life was great but the usual thing happened, the classic "boy meets girl, girl meets another guy, boy gets pissed off"  but.........! I have moved on(this is what i keep saying so it doesn't affect me personally but somehow its still affecting me I clearly need to work on myself)

I was stuck in this dilemma about how can someone hangout with you for a whole month and then walk past you like you're not even visible but that's life, people move on, not me though I have to stand there and make the day miserable thinking about it, thinking about this question, was all of that forced? was i a burden you had to carry? was i not good enough( PS: i wrote this on 3rd dec and this is scheduled for 10th dec so if by that time i haven't moved on, punch me in the guts, will you?)

present day: 10th Dec

Surprise! Surprise! I have certainly not moved on, much worse I have started blaming her because how could i ever be not enough(don't mind, i have started performing again so all of this don't mean shit to me) and on top of it I decided to read White Nights by Fyodor Dostoevsky and now i hate women with this burning passion i just wish you could see the anger in my eyes through your screens( if i don't start crying) 

And to make things better I went on to read Kafka because no matter what kind of day I'm having Kafka is having a worse one. Then i realized what kind of a horrible person I am, i was happy reading someone else's suffering so i went on to write some poetry and i wrote some good bits so i thought i should perform them.

after seeing the audience clap i thought "what kind of horrible people are they?" why are they happy bout my suffering, and then my mood swings went on swinging like a baseball bat in the air left to right, one moment everyone deserved to live as god made them that way but in another moment no one deserved to breath near me because of their low self awareness, i was hanging between Miserability and God complex...it was awful but it ended as all awful things must come to an end except for Sisyphus, he must suffer and we must imagine him happy for some reason( i like to imagine him crying, gives me an ick)

So that is my friend why you should never even talk to someone from opposite gender, even if your life depends on it.

Mr conscious logging out, until next time

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