what makes me a human?

Its almost been a year since I've started treating myself as a human, I mean its not like I used to worship myself before, its just that i have started giving myself a room for failure.

The way I see it, failure is what makes us human, if all of my decisions were correct all the time, and everything i ever did turned out great then what would be the difference between me and god, right?

Not everything i do has to be about perfection, some things can simply be about trying, i think we, as humans have created this unrealistic level of judgement that we need to be good at everything we do, and it is not true, you can be totally shit at your hobbies, and it wont matter, no great cricketer laughs at someone who doesn't know how to hold a bat,

I, for sure know Dostoevsky wouldn't laugh at my writings, or Gulzar would laugh at my poems, you know what I think, they would pat my back, appreciate my efforts and tell me to keep going because i could be great at it one day. 

Mind you, i used the word "could", because again, you don't necessarily have to be good it. 

Embarrassment is an unexplored emotion, why the fear of being cringe? why do you care what they think? more importantly, who are they? your friends? they already know who you are, they signed up for this when they made you a friend, then what? your family? they knew you before your friends did, so who's left? a bunch of people who you've never met before and have no intention to do so? 

Are non of you aware how easy it is to delete a comment on social media? or to report a profile? or to even hire a hitman to take someone out for you? (not in a romantic way ofc) life is full of hacks if you look for them, and it is easy to do so because no one would even look for them because they're hideous in real life too. 

I started learning how to ride a bike a month back, and from then i've been trying to do it consistently, since last week, i have improved a lot and you can say that i'm somewhat good at it, but if u saw me on day 1, you would see a medieval child crying for his mom while being stuck in modern day traffic, 

Some days it was so bad, i actually thought about going eco-friendly on cycle, even walking seemed like a good option, but one thing i knew was that no matter what, i get over this and learn how to ride a bike, its just i have to cry about it first!

What i feel like is that these blogs have nothing to do with you, i just write these in retrospect so that i could justify what i did in the past in a more, how can i say this, umm, in a more profound and stoic manner, i imagine myself sitting under a tree teaching my disciples on how to figure out life but honestly, each of my reader is older than but while on the other hand, 100% in need of these words, because your brain is not braining and u need someone (me) to guide u through life.

Even as human I'm above u hehe, I'm more like a pure brahman in Hindu tree while you're the muggle blood from harry potter. Bye!

check out my content on @elusive_ppoet

Somewhere Across Decades, I Yearn for You Again

 

"her favorite movie"

ek samundar hai, jo mere kaabu me hai, ek qatra hai jo mujhse sambhala nahi jaata,

ek umar guzaarni hai uske bagair, ek lamha hai jo bitaya nahi jaata....

I think u have gotten a gist of what this about, a typical "guy meets girl story", many of you asked me who am I writing this for, who is the special person, how does she look, is she close to you, and to be honest, even I haven't seen her, once I thought about filling my gallery with her pictures but mera khaash toh khair hi reh gaya, So, just the eyes, thats all I got to see, I would tell you about them but then I don't want u imaging those eyes, but in the end of this, you'll see how when you fall in love, your eyes become blind to others. 

I met her without trying but couldn't keep her while trying my best. every day, i tell myself, thats it! this is the last time I'm writing about her, and then every other day, I find myself here....

"21st December" the last day we met, I still see her, but we don't meet, I cannot explain it to you how it kills you from inside when you go from friends to strangers, Yes, "friends" that is all we were, nothing much, nothing less, but honestly i couldn't ask for more, woh mere pass se guzar jaaye, isse zyada mulaqaat ke haqdar mai khud ko bhi nahi samajhta...

I still text her, actually now that I'm blocked from everywhere, i text her more often, pour my heart out in chats at 3 am, at least now i don't have to delete everything before she sees them.

I still write for her, not to her because she'll never read them, she's not really a reader, use padhai bhi acchi nahi lagti hai, my dumbo, cute, short dumbo, with big eyes, eyes which once held my dreams and hope, who knew, a girl, weak in her voice, could make a man feel weak in his knees.

kuch relationships kaafi pehle end ho jaati hai but hume pata kaafi baad me chalta hai, looking back in time, much like looking at a star which is already dead, but because light takes time to travel across the vast distance of space, we do not see stars as they are at this exact moment, but rather as they were when the light first began its journey. 

Its quite easy to say ki jo chala gaya use bhool jau and move ahead, but jiska jaata haina use saans bhi nahi aati, how could i ever forget how she used to always keep me on my feet, never let me get too comfortable, how I spend every moment with her wanting to be seen, how I used to wait outside the class to stop people, just so she could offer her prayer peacefully, 

my god i have sooooo many complaints, and i do, i complain a lot, not to her obviously, but to god, every night, I wake up at 3 am, wash my face, and fall in sujood to complain, just to end up asking peace for her, just because it was not our time that doesn't mean it was not love, i'll just leave you with this, "agli baar aaunga, tumhara mann pasand banke, phir ek dafa, pehli dafa ki tarah milna"

something for you guys:

U could've done anything but you chose to clink on this link and give me 5 minutes of your time, and for that, i cannot be more grateful. 

i was listening to this song when i wrote this blog: Beqadaran by Hiten, listen to this and read below when the chorus starts,

poem i wrote on dec 26 when i last talked to her:

Tujhe khone ke baad mere aashiyane me kuch is qadar tanhai hai,

Meri aakhon ne roo roo kar, khamoshi se dastaan sunayi hai, 

Kuch zamane se, kuch mehkhane se, kuch toh khuda se bhi meri ruswai hai,

Mohabbat ki aakhri hadh hai zaleel hona,

Aur maine waha tak mohabbat nibhayi hai...

hope you got your answer, aur waise bhi, sar-e-toor ho, sar-e-hashr, hume intezaar qubool hai, woh kahi mile woh kabhi mile, woh kahi sahi woh kabhi sahi....

check my posts on instagram: @elusive_ppoet

God, the greatest playwright!

 "Itna kuch choot raha hai, kahi toh kuch mil bhi raha hoga"

I consider God as the greatest playwright ever, now, don't think of this as something belittling god, I know that god knows where this is coming from, the reason I'm telling you this is because, from one writer to another, spilling the secret (sorry god hehe), no writer ever, and I mean it, NO WRITER EVER!, wants a bad ending.

No matter who you are, the protagonist, antagonist, even a background filler, everyone meets their ending, each beautiful in its own way.

the Hero slays the dragon and finds his true calling, the very same day, dragon finds peace in its death, even the background characters feel relieved in someone else's win, and its because every end has to be a poetic justice to the character. 

There's this certain comfort in knowing that your writer loves you, right? whatever happens, it will turn out good, there's this quote I heard which goes, 

"Jab likhne wala hi mere haq mein ho, toh kya mila aur kya choota"

Its gonna work out, it will, it always has, because you always make it work, 

Beethoven composed his Ninth symphony, while being deaf, 

Usain Bolt was told he couldn't run due to scoliosis, 

Virat kohli was still doubted in his rough phases even after carrying Indian team for two different tournaments, 

people are gonna talk, they should, its a good thing, do it because you want them to talk, if you think it hurts when they talk bad about you, you should see how it eats you from the inside when they talk about somebody else when you're in the room, 

As long as you're consistent with what you want, if you're doing your part, if you're showing up and pushing yourself, it will work out, as my dad used to say, "kismat dhoka deti hai, mehnat nahi", 

you're gonna win some and lose some but you go ahead with your wins and then lose them again, and keep going at it everyday.

All I can be sure of is ke agar uparwale ne kisi panne pe khwaab likhe hai toh kisi panne pe tathastu bhi likha hi hoga, you just need to be sure ke jab khwaab pure ho toh aap khudko deserving samjho. 

signing of for today, we'll meet again, I'll make sure of it. also, if you're into poetry, check out my account: @elusive_ppoet

From a 60 year old kid in Lahore....

               

                 ....Zindagi tumhe sab kuch deti hai magar kisi-na-kisi cheez ke liye faqeer rakhti hai. 

I read this quote a long time ago, only to face it now, its quite unusual, even uncomfortable at times to think that I have lost you, that your name will never be next to mine, my lips will forget your taste, my hands will never hold yours again, and my eyes, most lonely of them all, are forgetting your smile, while the ears are haunted by your laugh which echoes through the walls of empty rooms and crowded streets. 

Only thing I can leave with you is, don't leave anything for later, 

later, the coffee gets cold, 

later, you lose interest, 

later, the day turns into night,

later people grow up, 

later, people grow old, 

later, life goes by, 

later, you are only left with regret,

It will surprise you how ungrateful people can be towards something they once cherished from their heart. All you can do is be in the moment, 

This is coming from a man worn out through ages, living in the streets of Lahore, I come back from my day job, its raining outside, I open my door with no one to greet, its pitch dark inside, little light coming from the clouds is shining on my tainted windows, although the rain is coming on my study table through a crack in the glass, I turn on the radio, but its just static noise, since radio stations were shut down 10 years back, but I still turn it on to get rid of the silence.

I have some coffee and sit with my self, because when I was young, I chose peace over drama, distance over attachments, mind over heart...now its just me and my eternal peace. 

all i can say is, be in the moment, 

Qadar karni hai toh waqt pe karo, Taj Mahal jahaan ne dekha hai par Mumtaz ne nahi...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

hope you find this helpful and not a waste of time, leave a comment, look out for my replies, also I'm getting featured in my first book for poetry, I'll keep you guys updated, when it happens, you'll be the first ones to know. 

check out my acc: @elusive_ppoet.

Everyone has a story, What's yours?

 

Hi!!!!! long time no see? kamaal karte ho yaar, kabhi khud bhi kuch likh ke bhej diya karo, khair...

Finally! done with exams, I'll tell you legit there was this one moment when i was writing and i laughed while looking at my answers, the sheer conviction in absolute bullshit, i would've done numbers while they were creating religions.

I can tell you one thing for sure, the examiner will surely learn something from this, the best thing about exam season is the sudden change in my Instagram feed, the way it takes a complete 360 turn from rap and poetry to spirituality and humanity is not real.

The way I start saying shit like, "insaniyat hi sabse bada dharm hai", "kisi ke sawaal se mujhe kya, mujhse sawaaal meri niyat ka hoga" and what not? i remember this one instance, when i said to my mum ke "we're human beings, not human doings" you know this is some Osho level shit I pulled here, the only difference is that i said this after i forgot to flush after i came out of the toilet. 

I love citing some irrelevant quote in the conversation just to make everyone awkward, i remember saying "sometimes, what we cherish becomes the most fragile part of us", i said this to my 10 year old sister after she dropped her cotton candy (teaching em young).

But it is true, I cherish you guys, the way you take your time and read whatever bullshit I throw at you, the way you think "his thoughts deserve my attention", I'm flattered in my deepest sense, but it also true that its quite easy to lose you guys, there'll be a day when I won't write anymore, and you guys would just think that maybe I'm suffering from writer's block but in reality, I would be long gone. This is what keeps me up at night, the thought of never being enough, in terms of favoritism, I never won.

But all I can do is cherish you guys while I have the time, all I know is that tomorrow another kid will come back home after playing, see Virat Kohli batting and fall in love with cricket, just like I did in 2016 (i know its not relevant to the topic but i just can't shut up about that man)

I have met some wonderful people in my life up till now, last year, went up on the stage for 60 times, more than I have ever been, I got into this college where I met the love of my life, then realized love's not for me, then I got this job which made me financially independent but also made me realize ke C-type ke sirf charger nahi hote, all of this happened in the span of one year, and I cannot be more grateful for it, maybe this is what it means to be God's favorite child.

Hope u like what you just read, tell me in the comments about yourself and your journey, hope to see u again someday and get to know you, maybe as a stranger. 

Mr. conscious signing out.

@elusive_ppoet

My last ode to you perhaps...

Not a single day goes by, without making me regret every single thing i did, December sadness is real, and even you are not forgiving for that matter. 

there are days when i miss you a bit more, more than usual, when i see you across the hall, laughing with everyone else but me, i miss us a bit more...

When you bask in sunlight and your eyes turn brown, i miss the hope in your eyes, hope you once had for me...

Between us, 

stands everything in this universe and nothingness of the abyss, 

between us, 

stands a bleak moment and a fulfilled lifetime,

between us, is the biggest what if, 

all i could hope for and none i could hold on to,

let god be the witness of my heart, for it held nothing but love for you, 

wish we could go back to what we once were, not friends, not classmates, but strangers...

your absence is so heavy that its becoming a presence, eating me from inside, hope this was worth it.

Easy to acquire but dreadful to leave behind

Regret, So easy to acquire but so hard to carry and much more dreadful to leave behind, regret is when we live in the past, in the beautiful world of what ifs, and there's nothing wrong to stay there for a while, why would I let go of my past when everyone I ever loved are still there,

But, there's another side of this story, Its nice to feel nostalgic for a while, but if you keep visiting your past, eventually its gonna become a part of your present, but the thing is, your past was filled with people but what you carry in the present is just a hollow mosaic of their memories, enough to keep you occupied but not to make you fulfilled, 

you cannot keep waiting for people, its just the way life is, because if you do, what will happen to those who are waiting for you, counting on you, while you live your life in hallucinations of what once was your Utopia, people are suffering and being abandoned because of your selfishness. 

You have to understand that past is temporary and useless, its what you carry in the present that makes it meaningful, be it a lost game, a gross breakup, or a loss of a loved one, regrets is only gonna make it worse, be that as it may, the regret is not because they are not here anymore, but because you were not with them enough, but trust me, every moment counts, maybe you being there with them was more than enough, 

there's this beautiful quote by Umar ibn al-Khattab (RA), "Do not grieve, for what was written for you was never meant to miss you", having patience is essential, patience is not when you wait for something to happen, but more about how you behave while you wait for it, so be patient, you'll get it, and if you don't you'll get something better,

 "jo aapke mann ka hota hai woh accha hota hai, par jo aapke mann ka nahi hota woh aur bhi accha hota hai, kyuki woh ishwar ke mann ka hota hai"

I would never write anything I wouldn't hear myself, perhaps I write things for myself but always forget to come back to them, so if you're reading this, please make sure that I hear this when I need to.

signing out Mr conscience, follow me on @elusive_ppoet for more

 

"Never leave my hand, always hold on to them"

I don't know if you've heard this one or not, but when i was little, my dad used to tell me " if its yours, it will roam the world to find you, but if it isn't, you'll roam the world for it but still wont get it", but what he said after it is what stick to me, he said "koshish karke dekh lena, dhoka kismat deti hai, mehnat nahi"

I started reading books when I was 9, my first read was Sherlock Holmes, this specific chapter means a lot, I'll tell you why later, the thing about this is, Sherlock is sitting on a park bench and he suddenly notices a mother with her children, they're on the middle of the road, and the mother says to her child, "never leave my hand, always hold on to them" 

Sherlock stands up and John asks him, "are you down with something?", sherlock replies, "no, why do you ask", john says, "no, its just I noticed you put your hands in your coat all of a sudden", Sherlock smiles and says "I don't have anyone to hold them for me" 

The reason I'm telling you this is because someone asked me today, "why do you keep your hands in the pocket, don't they get sweaty?", like of course this isn't London, but I thought to myself there's no actual reason why I do this, it's just I read something when I was 9 and I've been doing that since. The best part about this is that even though dad isn't around anymore, this habit stays with me from the book he bought. 

Since then, I won declamations, debates, gave speeches, changed schools, made new friends, lost some old ones, got some cold shoulders, then gave shoulders to cry on, made fun of trauma, did stand-up comedy, Poetry, was the youngest at every table and what not! Life came a full circle, its just that, I don't know if it matters anymore or not but the little hands the 9 years old Zahid shove into his pockets never came out.

I still try to be the person, I thought I could be, for a while I believed, I actually did, that I am the person I ought to be, who could look the 9 year old in the eye and say "you can take my hand, always hold on to them", but I'm not, but what I'm sure of is, that I'm getting there, I'll be there someday, as my dad once said, "koshish karte rehna, dhoka kismat deti hai, mehnat nahi" 

So, good bye for you, I'll see you soon (its a threat), in the meanwhile follow me on @elusive_ppoet 
I'm open to constructive criticism (from people who have actually constructed something ofc)

 

Tea of the day! your little blogger is employed now!

HI! 

Came out a bit too aggressive eh? well, missed you guys a lot, its just been that kind of day, well no, actually a week, so much has happened but I'm too busy experiencing it all that I don't have time to tell you guys about it. 

I miss the time when we didn't know each other,

I was just another classmate to you, the funny thing is that you guys didn't even know what I looked like but still tuned in, read each and every word, and also gave a feedback, I'm sorry I didn't cherish you guys enough, but if it was up to me I would kill someone for you guys (especially if it's that taklu chindichor)

So, tea of the day (or month) your little blogger is employed now! 

like can you even imagine! Me with actual responsibilities?!?!??!!

like yeah I did once gave tutions to kids (and they passed with more than 70% in 12th, so yeah I mean I am kinda great) but that doesn't mean you give me an actual job?!?! 

my office is filled with idiots but not the ones I have at college, i sit there and think I don't miss the circus, I miss my clowns, hope i'll see you guys soon....

I'll try my best, I'm not promising anything, but I'll try to be regular now, i know i have said that before, i dont remember how many times but yeah, its the thought that matters right?

I wrote this piece few days back, and I honestly feel that it sums up my entire month..

Har urooj ka zawaal hota hai..

Har khwaab ka apna ek malaal hota hai..

Qabr me bhi sukoon kaha haasil hai zahid...

waha bhi har farishte ka apna ek sawaal hota hai....

hope this resonates with you, tell me about your day, reach out to me on @elusive_ppoet

looking forward to seeing you this december.

Something she would never come across...

Nobody talks about when god puts love inside your heart for someone, without you knowing.

Its always another meeting, just a lunch together, just another group project, meeting coincidentally in the hallway, another Salam gesture from a distance, and then suddenly, its 3 am, and you're wide awake with their thought. 

You find yourself smiling at their texts, with a shine in your eyes, your eyes glow differently when you finally know what to ask God for....

This is something special, this is not a crush, this is not high school romance, i did not will this, but this is also not a coincidence, this is something even cherished by God, sacred, divine, written in destiny, our paths were destined to cross, even if for the slightest of moments, YOU were my destiny and its everything I could ask for. 

There were days when I can't seem to forget you, and there were days when I can't seem to recall your face, it is only then i realized that I drowned myself too deep in your eyes.

There were days when I felt regret for even talking to you, and there were days when my ears couldn't bother hearing anything that was not You.

Somedays, I can't even look at you, somedays, you're too radiant to look at,

somedays you're the reason I feel dead already, somedays, you're everything I could live for...

and for everything that's between heaven and Earth, in none of these moments, you leave my conscious, even for an instance. 

This is why, I wrote something special for her;

I call this piece "something she would never come across"

meri na-kamil koshisho mein chupa hua raaz tu...

meri judaayi ki khushbu se mehka hua libaas tu...

mere din se toh waqif  hai zamana saara... 

meri raaton me tanhai ki dil-fareb mithaas tu..

check me out on instagram on @elusive_ppoet 

For me it’s never about what was or what will be, I tend to always care about what I have right now or more importantly ‘who’. It’s you, it’s always been you, if the theory of solipsism is true, you’re perhaps the most beautiful thing my mind could come up with.

Talking to you is something I would cherish for ages, never thought a princess, weak in her voice would make a guy like me feel weak in his knees.

Every flaw you saw in yourself was glorified in my eyes. The “laugh” you thought was too loud…the sweetest symphony to my ears, the nose you thought too big…compliments your face like nothing else, the height you consider too short…perfect to place your ears next to my heart.

You saw me…not for who I was but for who I wanted to be, a prince charming ready to rescue you from the depths of hell.

I saw vulnerability in your eyes, but perhaps I was looking at my very own reflection.