an ode to her..or you, who knows..

For those who don't know, an ode is typically a prose/poem for someone, in this case, it can be for anyone, it might be for you or for someone you know, so read carefully and tell me later, if you found yourself in this....

(this will be slightly in urdu, as "she" likes it this way)

tumhari aakhen,

tumhari aakhon ke ishare,

in aakhon ke isharon pe hum sau dafa haare, 

tumhari aakhen jhuke toh mai muskurata hu 

aur jab uthe toh mai sharmata hu,

kuch khaas hai in aakhon me, jo ghum ho jaata hu  

inme kho kar, khudko taaron ke beech paata hu......

tumhari hasi,

tumhari hasi jise dekh chaand bhi muskuraye,

aur taare bhi sharmaye,

tumhari hasi jise dekh rab raazi hojaaye,

jisme hamara dil maazi ho jaaye,

woh toh hum nadaan insaan qadar nahi karte tumhari,

warna tumhari hasi ke liye farishte falaq se utar aaye.....

tumhari zulfe,

tumhari zulfe jo baadalon ko baandh ke rakhti hai, 

jab khule toh teri udaan si lagti hai,

jo kadakti dhoop me shaanjh si lagti hai 

jo raat ke haseen asmaan si lagti hai 

ek khwaab bandha hai in zulfo me use riha kardo 

mujhe in zulfo me kaid kar khudko massiah kardo......

tum baarish si aana, 

Tum baarish si aana mai iss mitti sa mehek jaunga.. 

Tunhare aane ki khushi apne rab ke saath manaunga.... 

Tumhara shukrana har din, har pal jataunga... 

Tum bas aaoo toh sahi mai tumhe apne sirhane sulaunga 

Woh saari baate bataunga jo tumhari na maujoodgi me hui thi 

Woh sapne dikhaunga jo maine sooni raato me dekhe the 

Mere dil ki dhadkan sunaunga jo tumhare aaane se tez ho jaati hai

Aur saase bhi jo dheemi ho jaati hai

Tum koi tamanna, aarzu ya khawahish nahi ho 

Tum chahat ho meri 

Jise karne se sukoon mile woh ibadat ho meri

even though this doesn't sum up all of it, i think i tried my level best for this.....

you can reach out to me on elusive_zahid

the "10 year old me".

Hi, welcome back to my blog, i know its been a while but thank you for coming back here by visiting the link, its really appreciated. 

I've been really swamped with work and sleep cycle ki chain utar gayi hai so if you see me someday just looking at a distance, going non-verbal, just know that its already too late for me(to sleep).

i thought of writing something about being in love or getting through a heartbreak but who really needs that right now? as Sahir Ludhianvi once said, "kab talak tere ishq me rou, mere ghar ke bhi sau masle hai"

life can be tiring sometimes, its easy to feel good when the sun's shining on your face, birds are chirping and the winds are talking to you but getting up after the sun's gone out cold, birds are tired and the wind has left, that shit is hard , and the worst part is, not all of us are blessed with warm welcomes at home. 

In the end, it all comes down to this and this only, you have to be the thing that saves you. all of us, without even realizing it, subconsciously try to become the one we needed when we were little. I've been alive in this world for 19 years now and i have nothing to show for it, and surprisingly that's ok because even though i don't lead a star studded life like others, or even if I'm not part of a big circle or some trendy shit, not a day goes by without me appreciating things that i have with me. what really makes me feel content about myself is, that the 10 year old me would be really proud of the person that I am today. 

Of course there were times when I gave up twice a day but I got up again and again and again, not because someone told me to, but because I had hope that all of this will be worth laughing at for my future self. what people fail to teach us is that hope is not some fairy, decorated with ornaments, with birds flying around her, Hope is a bloody, wounded, knocked down child bearing scars of the past. All we can do is make a future where that child feels safe. I know this might sound childish quoting Batman on this, but he said this beautiful thing, " if you don't see your version of hero consoling a child, that's not a hero".

so I'll end the session on this note, I know I'm asking for too much from you, but try to be someone's home, someone's peace, someone's smile.

thank you for reading it till here, just know that if you're seeing this i love your presence in my life.

you can reach out to me on ELUSIVE_ZAHID

you piece of sh!t.

I know your life sucks, i know you feel out of place sometimes, i can see it in your face that you're carrying a sense of longing for someone, someone who would give your life some meaning but if it helps you feel any better, just remember that somewhere I'm having a better day or much worse than you can fathom.

there's no in between, either I'm having the time of my life or I'm suffering from existential crisis. one day I'm at the peak and the very next day someone pushes me off the cliff and I'm still not aware how all of this is related to my star sign.  somehow this is related to my character development but if this continues anymore, I'm gonna develop into a serial killer.

i know there's someone out there who would get me, make me feel like home but until i find her, i have to spend time with my cringe classmates who think knowing basic random ass shit someone should be knowing is classified as intelligence. every fucking time!!!when one of them tries to form a sentence, the average IQ of the whole street goes down.

i feel like there is nothing left for me to do anymore, its just so boring out there, i finally know how Sherlock feels without a mystery, what Loki feels without mischief, what Batman feels without the joker.....

As Sherlock once said," the flaw of a genius is that he needs an audience, what's the point of being better if can't prove it".

there's no greater suffering than getting what you asked for, only to find out that you were asking for the wrong thing all along.

read this and cry a little if you want to, if you dont relate, you are the classmate I'm talking about.

are you worth it?

I keep asking this to my self, every day every minute, every moment i spent with you, were you worth it?

love for me is not an alien or unfamiliar feeling, or so that i think to myself, but is going through everything, all of it, again, worth it? because its one think if you're doing it for the first time, the feeling is new, genuine, pure but the second time, you're just navigating your way through problems, trying to avoid fights, it feels like you're putting love on an operating table and dissecting it to see what more it holds for you, even if it means making your hands dirty. 

we humans, we tend to forget how much we cherished someone after we get used to them.

first time's a charm, second's messy cause there's grief involved.

i think grief is your heart's proof for you that it once loved, going through it once again seems a bit of an overkill because, yeah i get it, people leave, that's what they do, they move on from you, they replace you and finally they forget you, but the worst part about all of this is that these are the good kinds. 

it puts a hole in your heart when someone leaves you, not with regret or hate but with a question mark, on your personality, on your behavior, on your feelings, on your habits and what not!, and if you're an overthinker you might as well drag your whole bloodline into this rabbit hole!. 

even though it sucks, these things keeps ringing in the back of your mind, doesn't matter where or when, it just keeps going, " was i not good enough?", "was i that replaceable?". "was it all just another monday for her?" and then people around you start coming up with shitty reasons like "she treats everyone the same way, you were not special". " that is how she talks to everyone, you were just overthinking all of it" and the classic! " it was just in your mind, move on....."

i would fucking kill them if i could, i have the motive for it, just need the muscles( if anyone of them actually dies, just know that it was purely coincidental although I'm happy about it).

also, its not really their fault, i knew what i was getting into, its just that how could she talk to someone else!

you see, this is what I'm talking about, i cannot walk in another relationship with this much baggage or can i? 

thank you for reading my rant this far, because i know how hard it is to read for many of you, i would love to know your opinion on how intelligence looks like to you as an outsider. 

don't text me about it or even mention this to me if you see me anywhere, bye suckers! 

𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝙸 𝚖𝚎𝚝 𝚒𝚗 𝙾𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛.....

I'm writing this, as October is approaching my door steps, cold nights, with shades of rain, knocking on my door, its here to take me, take me back to her.

Have you ever laid your eyes on someone and thought, maybe....this is what heaven looks like.

It all started on 22nd Oct, first month of college was coming to an end, i was coming back to college after performing stand-up comedy through out the weekend, but there was not a single bit of tiredness on my face, because i knew i will finally get to see her smile again, she sat in front of me, looking tired from the journey( even i still don't know why is my college 30 minutes away from the railway station, like c'mon what were they even thinking), after settling down she asked me, " you're looking happy today, something happened over the weekend?".

the first thought that came in my mind was, " all this time she knew i EXISTED!!!", 

i said," yeah I had a good time, nothing much, what about you?", now what i really wanted to say was, "it doesn't really matter if I'm looking happy or sad, what matters in this moment is you're looking at me".

but this is not your typical college drama, this story does not have a interesting ending because i did not have the courage for it, i finally realized, the moment you fall in love, the final act is of letting go.

Now coming to the last day of college, i was already missing the place i once dreaded, board exams passed quickly( but like kidney stones), had fun with friends, and yeah she's happy now, with someone else, but that's a story for another day.

now I'm sitting in another college, pursuing law, not much is different, first month of the first year is coming to an end, and I'm sitting here with regrets from my past, the good thing is, my fear of losing her finally ended....when i lost her.

until next time, leave a comment if you like this and you can reach me out on elusive_zahid