are you worth it?

I keep asking this to my self, every day every minute, every moment i spent with you, were you worth it?

love for me is not an alien or unfamiliar feeling, or so that i think to myself, but is going through everything, all of it, again, worth it? because its one think if you're doing it for the first time, the feeling is new, genuine, pure but the second time, you're just navigating your way through problems, trying to avoid fights, it feels like you're putting love on an operating table and dissecting it to see what more it holds for you, even if it means making your hands dirty. 

we humans, we tend to forget how much we cherished someone after we get used to them.

first time's a charm, second's messy cause there's grief involved.

i think grief is your heart's proof for you that it once loved, going through it once again seems a bit of an overkill because, yeah i get it, people leave, that's what they do, they move on from you, they replace you and finally they forget you, but the worst part about all of this is that these are the good kinds. 

it puts a hole in your heart when someone leaves you, not with regret or hate but with a question mark, on your personality, on your behavior, on your feelings, on your habits and what not!, and if you're an overthinker you might as well drag your whole bloodline into this rabbit hole!. 

even though it sucks, these things keeps ringing in the back of your mind, doesn't matter where or when, it just keeps going, " was i not good enough?", "was i that replaceable?". "was it all just another monday for her?" and then people around you start coming up with shitty reasons like "she treats everyone the same way, you were not special". " that is how she talks to everyone, you were just overthinking all of it" and the classic! " it was just in your mind, move on....."

i would fucking kill them if i could, i have the motive for it, just need the muscles( if anyone of them actually dies, just know that it was purely coincidental although I'm happy about it).

also, its not really their fault, i knew what i was getting into, its just that how could she talk to someone else!

you see, this is what I'm talking about, i cannot walk in another relationship with this much baggage or can i? 

thank you for reading my rant this far, because i know how hard it is to read for many of you, i would love to know your opinion on how intelligence looks like to you as an outsider. 

don't text me about it or even mention this to me if you see me anywhere, bye suckers!